Thursday, 17 June 2010

Please accept me because I so completely love your campus and your people and your modules and your whole course and your opportunities and your -


I give you...the Personal Statement.

A wad of inked paper so resembling a plea of adoption from a one-legged poodle that it might save a few trees to actually scrawl that across your application. A pox on the otherwise impressive face of your application form. A verbal-diarrhoea of such blatant hyperbole you may as well sign Captain Overstatement. This is not your moment to shine, it's your begging-slot.

So you begin. Why you want to read medicine, why you want to read medicine at this particular educational establishment, why you don't want to do nursing instead of medicine at this particular - oh sorry, moron interview question so pointless that they didn't ask you to mention it in your PS.
Then comes the essay of pure, unadulterated bullshit about volunteering that you never fucking did.
Reams of this shite trying to convince the admissions office that you, you who spend hours of your time on the XBox or - god forbid - blogging - actually found the smile on the old man's face as you disposed of his colostomy bag so heart-warming that you could see no other purpose in life but to become a doctor.

Finally, you round off with all your little hobbies and merits which you are so convinced will set you apart from every other candidate. Hahahahaha, poor, innocent you...

You won't get in. I'll tell you why you failed. You failed because you talked about yourself. This is not a personal statement. It might say it is, but it freaking isn't. This is you talking about how awesome the particular educational establishment is, how incredibly excited the idea of touching a conical flask with KCL somewhere on it makes you, how utterly fascinated you are by the tentacle-rape-anime-cosplay-for-non-Japanese-speakers-of-Sidcup society.

You cannot - CANNOT - write a PS without sounding desperately desperate.
UCAS says so...

And for goodness' sake, don't be funny. Don't do that. Only you find you funny.

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