Several amazing things have happened which I just never thought would ever happen and I finally have the chance to write about it (am currently laptopless and am borrowing the parental's device while they're visiting).
I went to see a councellor. Finally. After months of cancelled appointments and second guessing. I went in more skeptical than skeptical dog and came out ashamed of my assumptions and happy to say every misgiving I had about the whole experience was wrong - don't think I've seen myself with so much clarity in years.
And holy crap did I have a lot to talk about - much to my own amazement as a seemingly endless torrent came spewing forth.
I mean I prefaced with bleuuurghrgehIdunnowaddasayrightnow - I'm a scientist and am used to getting straight to the point you see.
But YE GODS it felt so good to just talk and for someone to actually listen.
So I've been referred to a cognitive behavioural therapist and damn it I'm going to get all the control I thought I never had back.
Because, fuck it, I'm going to be happy and full of so much sunshine I obliterate retinas on sight no matter what anyone has to say about it.
I've made that decision and when I put that much conviction behind a decision whatever it is bloody well happens.
Just thought I should share that on top of:
- Been given a position as a lab demonstrator with the head of microbiology mentoring classes
- Am applying for 3 research internships (fingers crossed!)
- Have been given the most amazing research project into connexins and genetic dysfunctions leading to gap junction abnormalities
- Called and booked a piano teacher finally after years of telling myself I don't need one/its too late
- Am considering applying to an MRC project in case I don't get into medical school this year while I apply again for 2013
All that's left is to get back to work on the UCLH wards and to my much beloved running and everything will fall into place exactly as I want it to.
So yes, nothing from the other two medical schools yet but I no longer feel like my entire life is hanging in the balance.
It is so damn good to get perspective.