Thursday, 2 February 2012

God it has been one hell of a week...

Seriously, it has been insane.

Several amazing things have happened which I just never thought would ever happen and I finally have the chance to write about it (am currently laptopless and am borrowing the parental's device while they're visiting).

I went to see a councellor. Finally. After months of cancelled appointments and second guessing. I went in more skeptical than skeptical dog and came out ashamed of my assumptions and happy to say every misgiving I had about the whole experience was wrong - don't think I've seen myself with so much clarity in years.

And holy crap did I have a lot to talk about - much to my own amazement as a seemingly endless torrent came spewing forth.

I mean I prefaced with bleuuurghrgehIdunnowaddasayrightnow - I'm a scientist and am used to getting straight to the point you see.

But YE GODS it felt so good to just talk and for someone to actually listen.

Really listen.

So I've been referred to a cognitive behavioural therapist and damn it I'm going to get all the control I thought I never had back.

Because, fuck it, I'm going to be happy and full of so much sunshine I obliterate retinas on sight no matter what anyone has to say about it.
I've made that decision and when I put that much conviction behind a decision whatever it is bloody well happens.

Just thought I should share that on top of:

- Been given a position as a lab demonstrator with the head of microbiology mentoring classes
- Am applying for 3 research internships (fingers crossed!)
- Have been given the most amazing research project into connexins and genetic dysfunctions leading to gap junction abnormalities
- Called and booked a piano teacher finally after years of telling myself I don't need one/its too late
- Am considering applying to an MRC project in case I don't get into medical school this year while I apply again for 2013

All that's left is to get back to work on the UCLH wards and to my much beloved running and everything will fall into place exactly as I want it to.

So yes, nothing from the other two medical schools yet but I no longer feel like my entire life is hanging in the balance.

It is so damn good to get perspective.


  1. Ahh, finally, an update. Good to hear from you.

    It's definitely a good idea to talk things out with someone who's neutral so well done on taking that step. Hope it carries on proving to be a useful experience for you.

    Congrats on your new job, does this mean you get to terrify and awe first years in equal measure with your mad microbiology skills?

    My piano books lie abandoned and I've virtually forgotten everything I once knew as degree stuff continues to eat away at my personal life. Really need to take a leaf out of your book and sort something out. Care to give me a shot of your new found motivation and gumption?

  2. Hey, thanks for reading.

    I have to say ask me, oh, barely last Summer whether I'd ever see anyone and I'd probably have laughed. It's been a humbling experience.

    Thanks, so far they insist on calling me 'miss' even though I'm still a student!

    Honestly the motivation came almost completely from making that first move to talk about issues and try to fix them. I'd only had a consultation when I wrote this entry but I felt empowered. Have to say the high has been dipping and rising over the weeks but I don't regret any of the above decisions I've made.

    I just read your recent post post-interview and fingers and toes are crossed for you! Its normal to feel meh after an interview - after my UEA one I honestly just felt this heavy disappointment, so hopefully Leciester will make up for that.

    BUT, I'm sure you did marvelously and are just being burdened with the curse of perfectionism so common to our ilk :P

    Hope you're well, Grumpy.